“What do you think about forgiveness?”
 

“I believe in it. I feel, though, that if you simply live by love, whether you agree or like the person, you won’t find yourself needing to forgive as often as if you don’t.”
 

“Do you like to run and do theatre?” My therapist asks me this every time I see him, and I always say “yes” - but this time I actually thought about it.
 

I started running as a way to escape, and I did. I had given up theatre, and now I have it back.
 

Instead of saying yes, I just let whatever words ramble out of my mouth, hoping my therapist would make sense of them.

“When I left him 5 years ago, it hadn’t been the first time I moved out. One summer, I loaded up the rental car I had with all my things and the dog and showed up at my parents'. I called to let him know, and instead of asking questions, he told me I was selfish for even calling, as he was with staff and his attention had to be with them and not me. He then ended the call, saying we would talk when we were both at home. So I put almost everything back in the car and went home, where we never discussed it. It was as if it never happened.

I never brought it up again, and I stayed another year or two, I believe.
 

By the time I actually left, I had lost 10 years of my life. I looked at my cousins, my brother, and others and saw how much further ahead they were in life than I was. And they still are. Not meaning they haven’t had different struggles, but I am the oldest and at 35 I am living in my old toy room at my parents'.
 

I feel like I have to make up for things I didn’t do as I lost so much time, and I have no one to blame but myself.”
 

“So then, is running and theatre something you like?”
 

“I like running. I don’t think I enjoy being behind the scenes in theatre as much as I think I do. I do know I need to pause, but I don’t want to miss out on things as I had in the past.”
 

“It sounds like you have a fear of missing out. So what could you do to help with that?”
 

“I probably should make a list. Of shows I want to be in, roles I’d take, that way I put more thought before I just take things.”
 

“So, taking all of this into consideration, have you forgiven your ex, and have you forgiven yourself for your past and the time you felt you lost? ”
 

“I’m not sure - and I definitely have not.”
 

Forgiveness isn’t easy. Love isn’t easy. To love and forgive yourself, though - to me, that is the hardest thing to do, at least for me.
 

There is no way to make up for lost time - it’s just that - lost.
 

That lost time allowed growth, though. Allowed friendships to be formed, adventures to be had, even in the bad times, there was SO MUCH good within.
 

As I work on trying to forgive myself, I now have one question for you - do you owe yourself forgiveness?