One of the greatest adventures of my life was spending five months in Canmore. Waking up every morning to snow-covered mountain tops made it feel like I’d opened my eyes in another world.

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When I left in February of 2012, I didn’t know I wouldn’t be back. The plan was always to return in the fall—but when fall arrived, I was still in Ontario. Life went on, but the mountains stayed tucked away in my mind.

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Cue 2016. I remembered that libraries existed and searched for “books with Beauty and the Beast themes.”

 

That’s when I discovered the A Court of Thorns and Roses series. I finished the first book quickly and went straight back to the library for the second. By Christmas of 2017, the “complete” series had made its way onto my Christmas list.

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There was something about the world that felt strangely familiar—especially when we visit Velaris and hear about the mountains and starry skies.

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While I enjoyed the main heroine, Feyre, it was her sister, Nesta, that I felt a deeper connection to at that point in my life. Rough, even with those she loved. Blunt. Often seen as rude.

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Then her book finally came out—A Court of Silver Flames—and her story was told. We learned more about why she was so guarded, and how, when she was with someone she truly trusted, she could be graceful and gentle.

 

Like Nesta, I’m the oldest child. And no matter how good your upbringing is, oldest children tend to put a lot of pressure and expectations on themselves. We want to be perfect. We want to please others. And sometimes that causes our hearts to harden.

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Through her story, we begin to see her soften—not for everyone, but for the people she realizes she can trust.

 

 

“But Hannah, where did the mountains go?”

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Don’t worry—I’m getting back to them. As part of her healing, Nesta trains to become a warrior. She climbs the 10,000 steps. She learns to wield a sword. And when she’s kidnapped, she learns how to survive on a mountain. In the midst of all of it, she falls in love—not just with a man who accepts her as she is, but with herself.

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She became an inspiration to me.

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For too long, I felt weak. Worthless. Like no one cared to know who I really was—and if I’m honest, I was only just beginning to figure that out myself.

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So what have I learned?

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I’m willing to be gentle, but I will also be blunt when something needs to be said. Part of living is being uncomfortable sometimes.

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I want to be a warrior—to save myself. For too long, I didn’t think about myself. It may have looked like I did, but the truth is that out of everyone I knew, I probably hated myself the most.

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I want to be the weird, nerdy, always-daydreaming person that I am. I don’t want to be told to grow up or that I need to give up the harmless things that bring me joy.

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I want to know that it’s okay to be vulnerable. That it’s okay to be weak. That even if someone else might be going through something worse, it’s still okay for me to admit when I’m having a bad day.

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I want someone who loves me for everything I have been, everything I am, and everything I’m becoming. Someone who knows when to walk in front of me, beside me, and behind me—not out of fear or expectation, but out of respect and love (and I’m lucky enough to have a man like this in my life).

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I want to be like Nesta—climbing that mountain to prove to myself, and to everyone who doubted me, that I can conquer it.

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One day, I will physically return west and climb one of those mountains.

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Until then, I’ll keep conquering the ones I face every day.